ALA Boston Newsletter - Spring 2008

 Top Ten Ways To Deal With Difficult People

Conflict is inevitable and unavoidable in our relationships with other people. For many of us conflict has been unpleasant and hurtful, so we try to avoid it as much as possible. However, this avoidance often leads to more painful interactions. Many of us didn't learn constructive ways to deal with conflict...but there are tools and techniques to help us turn conflict into positive results.

1. COUNT TO TEN - BREATHE DEEPLY
   When people get in conflict situations, they can get "emotionally flooded" and then not be able to deal with the conflict constructively. Therefore, taking some time to "lower one's emotional temperature" can help you be able to think clearly and, hopefully, deal more effectively with the conflict and with the person who is being difficult.
    
2. TAKE A "TIME OUT"
   If counting to ten/breathing aren't effective enough to lower your "flooded feelings," then it's best to leave the situation (or hang up if you are on the phone)..saying something like:"I need to get some space right now in order to think more clearly about this." Or, "Right now you seem to be angry; I would rather talk about this when feelings are not so volatile." Or, "I don't want to say anything I regret later. Let's agree to talk about this later when we both are not so upset."
    
3. ASK - CLARIFY - LISTEN
   Ask the other to explain their point of view so that you best understand their perspective. Put yourself in their shoes/empathize as best you can. Be sure to listen to what they say (rather than preparing your "rebuttal" in your head). The other person really knows you heard them when you use effective listening skills. Listening skills include: paraphrasing what you heard them say (i.e., repeat back their statements in your own words.) Active listening reflects back the feelings you hear them say... summarizing the gist of what they have said.
    
4. STATE YOUR POINT OF VIEW
   State your point of view in non-blameful terms, focusing on your feelings. Use I-Messages: "I felt so frustrated when you arrived late because then we didn't have time to get much done."
    
5. AGREE IN PART or AGREE TO DISAGREE
   Find the part of their message that you do agree with and say so. Affirm the positives of what is being said. Thank them for sharing their concerns with you/bringing the issue to your attention.
    
6. BE ASSERTIVE
   
   • Believe in your "assertive rights."
   • Use I-Messages.
   • Use the "Broken Record" Technique
   • Be firm but calm. "Charge Neutral"
   • Be Congruent. Make your body language and tone of voice match your assertion.
   • Set Boundaries.
   • Intervene early. Don't ignore unacceptable behaviors.
   • Decide when to be assertive.
    
7. USE EFFECTIVE NEGOTIATION/PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS
   The Six-Step Model
   1. Clarify the Problem/Conflict (Use the skills of active listening and confrontive I-Messages.)
   2. Brainstorm Solutions
   3. Evaluate Solutions.
   4. Choose the Best Solution.
   5. Implement the Solution.
   6. Evaluate the Results at a later date to determine effective effectiveness.
    
8. WRITE IT DOWN
   Write your concerns, feelings, reactions in a journal. Write a letter or email to the other. (Place it aside...decide later whether to send it or not.)
    
9. TALK IT OUT
   Talk it out with another person. Talk to a friend, colleague, therapist, coach, support group about the issues/concerns regarding this difficult person and decide how best to deal with him/her.
    
10. REFRAME
    Change your perception. There is always another way to look at things. Find ways to look at the situation from a different point of view. Don't get hung up on being right.

And remember, sometimes it's just best to "Let it Go." Don't respond or react. Just walk away.

Laurie R. Geary, M.Ed.
Professional Certified Coach
www.ingearcoaching.com
4 Canal Park - PH 9
Cambridge, MA 02141
(617)494-1422 - (617) 947-7430 cell
Co-author: A Guide to Getting It: Self Esteem
Coaching Mature Adults to find their Passion and Purpose